I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
