I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
