better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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