Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
