Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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