I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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