Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
