im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
