you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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