Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
