when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
