Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
