It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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