My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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