I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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