god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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