I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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