I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
