I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
