totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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