wanna go halves on a baby?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
