i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
