The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
