Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
