____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
These tits shall not be calmed
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
