Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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