9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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