Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
