I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
