So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
