And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize