I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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