God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
