I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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