I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
