shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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