So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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