I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
