I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
