I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
