I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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