she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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