woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
