I just threw up on my dentist
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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