No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
