Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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