How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize