Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I AM VODKA MAN
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
