There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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