i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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