Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
