The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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