Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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