Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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