Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
