Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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