i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
