it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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