i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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