Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
