i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
