Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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