I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
false alarm, still single
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
