the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize