There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
