Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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