I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
