you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
