Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
