Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize