shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I love you. Go after that dick
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
