I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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