Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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