i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize