You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
